#13: Visiting a psychic

Posted by Megan on June 29th, 2011
My future’s so bright, I  gotta wear shades! At least that’s what my psychic thinks. While in Kansas City visiting my childhood BFF, Becky, we determined it would be entertaining to get a sneak peak at our futures by visiting a local psychic. I’ve always been incredibly skeptical of psychics. Why are so many of them divorced and why aren’t they all PowerBall winners?

Watch out when you see one of these. It may signify the home owner is an alien or drug smuggler.

 If I were psychic, I would be living in mansion having earned millions inventing infomercial products (you’d have to be psychic to believe the snuggie would be a hit!). In my spare time I would prank call my friends and ruin the ending of their favorite TV shows.

Becky knew of a physic spot close to her home. The large sign out front depicted a pair of well manicured hands caressing a crystal ball. Sweet! How often do you see a crystal ball? The only time I’ve actually seen a crystal ball is in the Wizard of Oz, unless you count those odd lawn ornaments that reflect light in a really spooky way. What is the point of those things? Are they secret signs for some sort of cult or underground drug running route? I always assume the people inside are witches and that the lawn ornament is their outdoor crystal ball, good for their back yard séances and animal sacrifices.

Despite the lack of spooky lawn ornament, we quickly realized the psychic reading business was actually the psychic’s house. I was pumped to get to see how a real psychic lives. Perhaps she would have some unique spiritual paraphernalia or maybe even a time warp entry spot. (I decided I would go back to 1995,visit Bayside High and join the Saved by the Bell gang).

We rang the doorbell and waited for our fate. I was expecting a stereotypical old woman with 20-25 cats to answer the door, but was surprised to be greeted by a stunning young Greek woman named Amber*. She was beautiful and aside from her stripper-esquebedazzled shoes, she looked very professional and put together. She was warm and bubbly and invited us right in. I quickly took a glance around the house and was disappointed to learn that psychics live just like the rest of us. A wood dining room table consumed the front room. Two mismatched chairs stood nearby and  a floor rug that stubbornly refused to yield for the door, continuously jamming under the wooden frame. You’d think Amber could have foreseen this problem and bought a different rug.

 Amber explained what kind of readings she could offer. She suggested that tarot cards or palm readings were “the most accurate.” Clearly this is a relative term. I have had my palm read before I choose to go with tarot cards. A quick aside: When I got my palm read, I was instructed to quickly dump  my then boyfriend since “he would never commit.” We’re now married and are exuberantly happy. I wonder if my hand lines have realigned to reflect this change in fate.

 Amber pulled me back into a little alcove that served as her psychic office. A small table was cluttered with religious knickknacks including several statues of Mary, photos of cathedrals and rosaries. This struck me as a bit off. It was like she was trying too hard to assure Christian folk. “It’s okay, it’s totally cool, I’ve got lots of pictures of Jesus and stuff so God won’t hate you if you let me read your soul.” I’d also like to point out that there was no crystal ball in site. I call false advertising! That clip art illustration on their sign was totally misleading. Bait and switch!

 Amber asked me to shuffle the cards three times, separate them into three piles, and select two piles I wanted her to read. I followed her directions. She started flipping the cards rapidly and rattling off pieces of my future. I felt overwhelmed.

Amber would not allow me to take photos. So I recreated the tarot cards and used Chili as my stand in.

Chili is such a great actor. If you look closely at his eyes you can see him channeling his inner human…. Or he’s eye balling the treat I’m bribing him with.

Here are some highlights of her reading followed by my interpretations.:

In the next year I will attend a large family get together celebrating something good, like a wedding or anniversary. Unlikely. First my family is not large. Even with all of us put together, we’d still be a catcher short.

 I will have two children: one boy, one girl. They will be planned and I will be pregnant within the year.  Not a chance. While children are not out of the question, it certainly will not be planned within the year.

I will live until 92.  Darn, I was shooting for the world record of 122.

 I will not die tragically, but instead in my sleep, peacefully.  This sounds nice, but knowing my luck and clumsiness I believe a more common cause of death will be yoyo accident or death by icicle.

My husband is unhappy at work and will soon quit to start his own business.  No and no.

We will be comfortable with money and have no foreseen financial hardships.  Sounds good but does this mean I have no chance of winning the lottery?

 I will get a promotion at work within the year.  Sweet. Sarah H., are you reading this? If my psychic says it, it must be so!


As you learned in my last challenge, my artistic abilities are lacking. My interpretation of the tarot cards is remedial at best. The banana card signifies my playful spirit…. Okay actually bananas are one of the only recognizable things I can draw and don’t ask my future children are living in acorns.

I was surprised by how specific Amber was being. She was very confident in her delivery. At one point she nearly had me convinced that I destine to become a lawyer even though I have no interest in law and I have vowed to never go back to school. While she certainly had a lot of positive things to report from my future, I was skeptical. When she mentioned my astrological sign and how it affected my life’s trajectory I was immediately convinced her reading was bogus. I have a twin sister. She is such an amazingly talented, patient, smart woman. I aspire to be more like her. We were born on the exact same day, under the same moon, only 15 minutes apart, yet we are very different people. We have different talents, different interests, different values and different needs. Lumping people’s likes, personality traits and dispositions together based on when they are born is utterly laughable.

 Really, when it comes down to it, trying to determine someone’s future based on a deck of cards is pretty outlandish. But then again, if I really thought that I’d walk out of Amber’s house with a clear map of my future, I never would have gone in the first place. Not knowing the future is what makes life fun. I believe that the decisions you make every day help guide your future, not the star alignment or the way you shuffled a desk of cards. How fun would life be if you knew that your fate was already concretely decided and your day-to-day interactions did not matter? The first few days of eating vats of starburst and waffles, yelling at cops and watching the entire sixth season of Real Housewives of New York would be fun, but I think I’d quickly get bored with the mundane nature of a fated future. Life is about making your own fate, not letting some one else read it for you. From now on I’m sticking with fortune cookies… mostly because there is a cookie involved.

  • © 2011 Megan Steil